Impatience need not be a bad thing–it motivates us to meet our basic human needs, but too much of it can turn ugly, leading to flared tempers and compromised decision-making.
Growing one’s personal reservoir of patience is a lifelong practice prescribed by saints and sages for millennia. Yet, what do we do when faced with someone whose reserve appears to be less like a reservoir and more like a thimble?
Meet Impatience With Patience
One night on an Outward Bound course, a student of mine was fed up with waiting. He was tired and wished to be at our campsite already. He didn’t want to wait for dinner and he wanted his crewmates to do what he wanted when he wanted them to do it. The collective team-oriented culture of an Outward Bound course was tough for him, and on this night, he was fed up.
He began by first directing his anger at the Instructors and then at the other members of his crew as he threw his belongings out of the canoe and into the river. However, this temporary release did not satisfy him. He then dove fully clothed into the water and swam to shore.
I followed quite a distance behind.
“Are you okay?” I asked in a hundred different ways. Responding in grunts and still reeling with nervous energy, he finally agreed, not to sit down, but to walk briskly in circles around a tree while we talked. This was a favorable compromise.
My goal at that moment was to settle him down so that no one ended up hurt. At the time, I was listening with only half an ear. I was more focused on de-escalating him to a point where he could return to the group so that I could get my hands on some hot mac and cheese.
I Was Meeting Impatience With Impatience
The change began when I really started listening. He vented for almost an hour and a half, and, while he talked, I found my state of mind changing. I went from demanding to understanding. I ceased to focus on my own base desires as I learned about his absent father, his hope to make amends with those he had hurt back home and the excitement and nerves that he felt dating his first girlfriend. It’s an interesting thing to feel your soul merge with someone out of empathy, even for a brief moment, when you truly listen.
“Something had happened when I stopped forcing my will and started listening to someone else’s.”
The rest of the night ran smoothly. I wish I could tell you that his life and mine were drastically changed from that moment on. That I can’t say, but something had happened when I stopped forcing my will and started listening to someone else’s.
Photo by Annie Cohen
Compassionate Boundaries
Not everyone can, or should, be listened to. When I told my roommate that the landlords were upset that she had ripped the curtains and scratched the floor, she responded aggressively by bringing up all the ways I was a terrible roommate (in her defense, I probably could clean the shower more often). When someone begins communicating aggressively, especially when you are being fair and level-headed, you know that something is wrong in their internal world. They could be going through a breakup, having trouble at work or walking through depression—numerous things could be happening internally.
Two Ways to Move Forward
It is not your job to “fix it” for them. It is your job to show respect—both to them and yourself. This can be done in one of two ways.
1. Defuse the situation by using empathic listening (as suggested in the above section).
2. Walk away
In the case of my former roommate, I chose to walk away. After trying to see it from her point of view, I quickly realized that she was only becoming more agitated by my presence and less interested in coming to a true resolution. Mentally, she was backed against a wall due to other life stressors outside of my control and this was my time to walk away. I respect myself enough to not be the subject of verbal and emotional attacks. I respect her enough to not make her mental state any worse.
The Case for Responding Dispassionately
In any case, whether you choose to try to defuse the situation or put your boundaries up and walk away, you should do so dispassionately. Many people would take this opportunity, once yelled at, to let loose and fire back with equally hateful comments. This most certainly will not help the situation. Others might express their sadness or feelings of defeat, and unfortunately, this can invite even more attacks since you have shown vulnerability as if your walls have been breached.
Offering a Step Back
When instructing Outward Bound Intercept courses, we know there are times when kids can’t be reasoned with. It’s for that very reason, that we don’t engage with individuals when they are in their “red zone”. Instead, we offered them a step-back, a chance to cool down, and if that doesn’t work, separate them from the group. More often than not, simple time away from one another works much better than trying to engage while emotions are flared.
How to Offer Space
Assert yourself clearly and without emotion. “I’m not going to sit here and be yelled at while I’m trying to help you out,” I said calmly to my roommate, “I’m going to leave so that we can both cool down. We still need to figure this out together.” I made sure to position myself as an “I” when my boundaries had been crossed, but a “we” as a reminder that we would have to work together as a team to find a resolution in the future. In the end, the matter was not resolved favorably, but it was resolved. And that’s the point. Some conflicts are beyond reason, compromise or effective communication. The sooner you can recognize your situation, the sooner you can mount an appropriate response.
Boundaries Communicate Clear Expectations
Do not be afraid to set boundaries–they ensure that both parties know and respect the rules of engagement. If the other party does not respect them, then have compassion for yourself and walk away.
Grow Your Compassion
In 1206, Giovanni Bernadone, the 23-year-old son of a prosperous Italian silk merchant, paid a visit to St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome. Struck by the disparity between the lavish decor and wealth of the Catholic Church, and the rags and disparity of the beggars outside, he asked one of the paupers to switch clothes with him. He spent the rest of the trip living in squalor and begging for alms.
Thus began the apostolic life of St. Francis of Assisi, and what one may call one of the first known experiments in compassion. Luckily, we can grow our compassion through a simple mental exercise.
Practicing Meditation
The practice is known as Metta Meditation in the Pali language, sacred to Theravada Buddhism. In English, we know it as Loving-Kindness Meditation. Research suggests that practitioners can not only improve their positive feelings towards others and life in general but also potentially grow their anterior insular cortex, the part of the brain responsible for compassion and empathy.
There are many different ways to practice Metta meditation, but here is my favorite.
An Exercise in Meditation
Find a quiet place to relax and close your eyes. Spend a few minutes letting the muddy water of your mind settle by focusing on the sensation of your breath flowing in and out. When you are ready, bring to mind a person to whom you have positive feelings–a parent, friend, lover. Really see them, as detailed as possible in your mind’s eye, and allow yourself to feel all of the good emotions that they make you feel. Now, as sincerely as possible, wish them the following:
“May you be happy.”
“May you be free of suffering.”
“May you always have positive experiences.”
Next, bring to mind someone to whom you feel neutral. Perhaps a person you passed on the street or an acquaintance that you don’t know well. With genuine intent, wish them:
“May you be happy.”
“May you be free of suffering.”
“May you always have positive experiences.”
Finally, and maybe you’re not ready for this step yet, envision a person for whom you feel active dislike. A person that has done you wrong, an enemy, or someone who annoys you. Now, with their face clearly in your mind, wish them (with just as much intention as before):
“May you be happy.”
“May you be free of suffering.”
“May you always have positive experiences.”
Practice this meditation for one week in the mornings and see how it impacts your relationship with others. You might just be amazed.
Practice Patience
I have felt like my former student: hungry, tired and desperate for control. I’ve felt like my roommate: burnt out and backed into an alley. I have felt like the person trying to wish good on my most hated enemy and failing miserably. It’s normal–all of these are roles we will act out in the course of our human lives.
“We must leave our comfort zones regularly.”
To gain more patience and compassion in the face of uncomfortable situations, we must do things that test that very patience. After instructing years of Outward Bound courses, the stresses of everyday life don’t feel quite as earth-shattering. Days of rain, understanding impatient students’ perspectives and exhausting work makes a traffic jam just a little less terrible.
We must leave our comfort zones regularly. Once we see that most situations are unworthy of our impatience, we can help our fellow brothers and sisters see that it’s not worth wasting our energy worrying about the bad things in life. It’s the good things we should get worked up about in life.
About the Author
Christian Vogelgesang has been instructing for the North Carolina Outward Bound School for over two years. His favorite part about the job is watching a crew rise to meet a challenge. When he isn’t instructing, he can be found playing music or playing pranks.
